Jokes in English

Now there are so many jokes in English that we feel it is necessary to part them into more pages. Some of the jokes are pretty rude and in many you will find people as God enthusiastic created them, so if you do not cope with this kind, don´t read them. If some jokes or comics have a racism message or in other cases give a bad image of ethnical people, it is not our personal opinion.

THE ELDERLY COUPLE

An elderly couple was enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.
After a few minutes, the old lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the old man, who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.
The old man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing.

He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?" She replies, "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the old man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits there a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?"
He replies, "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

Subject: FW: Careers

Four guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professional careers and lifestyles.

The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE ... you know... Young, Urban, Professional."

The second guy says, "I'm a DINK..... you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB.... you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

The fourth guy says, "I'm a DWIK..... you know... Divorced, With Kids."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies..... "I'm a WIFE ... you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

WHY SOME PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BREED

#1 A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center reported that a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The Med Student quickly reassured her that ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. She was then told that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

#2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

#3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.

The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

#4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture.... of handcuffs.

#5 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

#6 R. C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

#7 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

#8 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

#9 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

#10 And the funniest one of all times...Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started.

The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-sticker!"

To the top

RICH WIDOW

An old lady was lonely so she decided to run an ad in the local paper:

"RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH,

WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP

2. WON'T RUN AWAY

3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED"

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked,

"Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams.

I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

President Bush

Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a bistro near the White House.

Cheney orders the "Heart Healthy" salad.

Bush leans over to the waitress and says" Honey, could I have a quickie?"

She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.

Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'

In a gun shop.

Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one
looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a 44 magnum?"
Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect
size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind a cans are you shooting at?"

Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans"

A LITTLE GEM TO BREAK THE DAY UP !

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and - somber.

I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces of the relatives.

The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a "brain transplant" Furthermore it's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great long of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost ?

The doctor quickly responded, DKR 5,000 for a male brain, and only DKR 2,000 for a femal brain.

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more ?"

Thee doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said - "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.

>>SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU >THINK CAN "HANDLE" IT.

To the top

When females look in the Mirror :

Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least I am clean," and goes any way.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier. If you do, something good will happen: you will boost another woman's self-esteem.

Clinton and Bush.

George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said," when I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

President Mugabe

President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he goes to one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would liketo lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."

No, says Mugabe, that would be an accident.

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not explains the president. That's what we would call a great loss.

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.

Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??.

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.

In a quiet voice he says: "If an Zimbabwean Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Mugabe was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic, exclaims Mugabe that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??.

"Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

The best chain Letter.

Dear Friends,

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women.

Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain letter brings luck.

One woman's cat died, and the next day she received a hunk.

An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.

You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN .

One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back again.

Let's keep it going, ladies, Just add your name to the list below!

Hillary Clinton New York, New York

UNDER AFRICAN SKIES

* In a restaurant in Zambia: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

* On a poster in Ghana: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

* In a hotel in Mozambique: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 09h00 and 11h00 daily."

* On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign
is submerged, the river is impassable."

* A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: "Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands!"

* On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leone hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."

* In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!"
* In a cemetery in Uganda: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

* In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice."

* In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar." And the favourite of my friend Desai:

* A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."

Ten men and one woman.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

The Mystery of Jesus Answered . . .

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"

2. He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Fathers business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

SMART KID.?????

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?

Harry: 9.

Principal: What is 6 x 6?

Harry: 36.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

Both the principal and Harry agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment: Legs.

Ms. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied: Pockets.

Ms. Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Harry: Pants.

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut.

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry: Bubble gum.

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry: Shake hands.

Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Fireworks!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

FINNS

Now you don't need to wonder anymore why Finns are how they are....

Temperatures:

+15°C / 59°F

This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.

People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.

The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F

The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.

The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F

Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F

Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (inFinland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F

People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F

The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F

The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F

People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.

The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F

Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F

Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.

The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F

Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F

The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.

The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F

Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F

ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying

"Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F

Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

Tarzan

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to African in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in
awe for awhile. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass,
Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?". Tarzan replied,
"Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

THE PHOTO ON THE DESK

After a long night of love making, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

Four Catholic mothers.

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.

When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.

Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal.

Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her the subtle "Well... ?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-body, Chippendale male stripper.

Whenever he walks into a room, people say, OH MY GOD. . . "